When He Calls You a “Space Cadet” Is the Relationship Worth It?
You’ve been with your boyfriend for almost three years. Over time, his earnings have overtaken yours, which shifted the financial balance a bit—but you’re doing well and proud of your work. You also love running, training for marathons, and you use that as an outlet and a core part of your identity.
But lately he’s been demeaning that identity. He called you a “space cadet,” said you don’t work hard, accused you of running for attention, and suggested your priorities are misplaced. When you confronted him, he denied looking down on you, but his words betray that he does. The argument escalated, he broke up (then retracted), and you feel like you’re trapped between wanting respect and being gaslit.
A finance bro BF insulted his GF for spending too much time training for marathons when he should be hustling instead
His worldview clashed with the woman’s healthy lifestyle, so, she started rethinking the relationship
This is a painful dynamic, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. The behavior you describe is emotionally manipulative and dismissive. Let’s unpack what’s happening, why it’s destructive, and what your options are—especially when your identity, boundaries, and self‑worth are at stake.
1. Underlying dynamics: power, respect, and insecurity
What’s going on isn’t just about running or Instagram or money. It’s about how he sees you and how he needs to see himself.
- Power & status: His increased income seems to be giving him a sense of superiority. He’s comparing your job (however valid it is) with his, framing your life as “less serious” because it doesn’t match his ideal. That’s unfair.
- Insecurity masked as ambition: He says he’s “trying to help push you to get on his level.” That sounds supportive on its face, but it’s really a shade of coercion. He’s pressuring you to fit his standard.
- Identity threat: He ridicules your athletic side and your social media presence, reducing your achievements to “attention seeking.” But your running is yours—it’s something you do for you, for mental clarity, for physical health, for joy.
- Gaslighting and double messages: He says he loves you, he says he doesn’t look down on you — but his words contradict those affirmations. He tries to backpedal when you push, which is classic emotional manipulation.
2. Where his behavior is harmful
He’s crossing several lines:
- Demeaning your dedication: Just because something doesn’t line up with his metrics doesn’t make it less real. Calling you “space cadet” or “lazy” when you train for marathons is demeaning.
- Invalidating your boundaries: You said you can’t dramatically increase expenses because it would hurt your future and savings. He insists on a more expensive lifestyle anyway, pivoting to guilt or blame if you don’t comply.
- Throwing your achievements in your face: The way he lists how much he’s paid, how many gifts he’s bought, and uses them to shame you, is manipulative.
- Emotional volatility: Breakups and retractions, especially on the same night, create a rollercoaster. It’s a tactic to keep you off balance emotionally.
3. Why this is more than “a bad fight”
At almost three years in, you’ve built history, trust, shared life. Still, repeated patterns of disrespect erode foundation. This isn’t just one argument — it reveals core beliefs he holds about you. If he truly believed in your value, he wouldn’t reduce you to criticisms or demand you change so drastically.
Also, when someone consistently teases or undermines your interests (like running, social posts), it chips away at your confidence. Over time, you may internalize the criticism and doubt yourself. That’s exactly how emotional oppression works.
4. What you deserve
You deserve:
- Respect: Your goals, interests, and identity should not be diminishing.
- Support—not competition: He should root for you, not compete or belittle.
- Listening & growth: If you tell him something hurts you, he should hear, apologize, reflect, change.
- Emotional safety: You shouldn’t fear being insulted, told you’re wrong for your passions, or be put in a position to defend your worth nightly.
5. What you can do (short & long term)
This is hard, but you have options:
A. Set firm boundaries now
Let him know: “I will no longer accept being demeaned for my passions. If you want to be in a partnership, you must treat my ambitions with respect or this won’t work.” Don’t negotiate kindness.
B. Demand accountability
When he says hurtful things, call it out immediately. “You just called me a space cadet. That’s disrespectful.” See how he reacts. If he can’t acknowledge it, that’s a red flag.
C. Observe his actions
Words are cheap; behavior matters. Does he change? Does he treat you differently when sober? Does he moderate his drinking/smoking if it’s fueling this?
Notice if he truly retracts or just says he does while continuing the same behavior.
D. Prioritize self‑care & support
Lean on close friends, therapy (if possible), journaling, running, anything that reinforces your identity outside him. Remind yourself: you are not defined by his opinions.
E. Know when “this is over”
If he refuses to respect you or continues with insults, gaslighting, volatile breakups, then walking away might become necessary. Staying in a relationship that eats your self‑worth is a slow burn.
Thinking about other red flags, the woman started wondering: “How did I not see this before”
You are not the asshole here. You’ve built a life, career, and passions. He’s the one throwing shade, trying to shrink you, and demanding conformity.
Even if he says he “doesn’t think lowly of you,” actions speak louder. Insults and backpedaling don’t magically erase disrespect.
You don’t have to accept a relationship that demands your silence or your changing who you are fundamentally.
