They gave me the coin set they already gave my brother and I feel invisible
I turned 18 a few days ago. The night was nice — dinner with friends and family, laughter, candles, and then the gifts. My friends gave me things that reflected me — items that showed they know my interests, bits of me.
Then came the big gift from my parents, the one they hyped up for days. A minted coin set from the year I was born, in pristine condition, encased in velvet — sounds fancy, right? But here’s the thing: they gave my brother the exact same gift for his 18th birthday three years ago. He loves coins. He collects them, polishes them, tracks limited editions. It fits him. But it fits me how? I’ve never cared about coins.
So while I know they probably spent money, it feels like they never bothered to know me. I’m hurt, angry, and feeling a long‑held suspicion about favoring. I cried myself to sleep thinking: is this what I mean to them?
Birthday celebrations feel extra special when shared with the people you love
A teenager opened up about how she felt hurt by her parents’ thoughtless birthday gift
When something like this happens — where a “nice gift” becomes a painful reminder — there’s more going on under the surface. I want to walk you through what it might mean (for you, the hurt person) and how you might begin to heal or respond.
The emotional core: “You never saw me”
At its heart, your pain comes from feeling unseen. Gifts often carry symbolic weight: they show that someone paid attention to you — your likes, your dreams, your quirks. When your parents gave your brother that coin set, it likely spoke to him; when they gave you the same, it screams of a lack of differentiation.
It triggers the suspicion that they treat you as a “backup” or didn’t even try. You say “they hyped it up” — that build of expectation makes the letdown sharper.
This kind of hurt is valid. You’re not being petty. You’re grieving a small yet meaningful sign that maybe your inner self, your tastes, your uniqueness were ignored.
Parental favoritism: a real thing
You’re not alone. Psychology and sociology research show that parental favoritism is common — often unintentional, but impactful. American Psychological Association+2Psychology Today+2
Here are a few insights:
- Parents tend to unconsciously “favor” children whose personalities or behaviors align more easily with theirs (agreeable, organized, etc.). Psychology Today+2East Lake Pediatrics+2
- Siblings are very sensitive to differential treatment. Feeling “less preferred” correlates with lower self‑esteem, emotional distress, and strained relationships. PMC+2East Lake Pediatrics+2
- The more patterns of unequal treatment (not just gifts, but words, praise, attention) the stronger the wound becomes. East Lake Pediatrics+1
So your reaction isn’t just about one gift — it’s tapping into deeper patterns: “Do they care more about him? Did they look at me at all?”
Why people do this (often not maliciously)
It’s tempting to assume malicious intent. But often, favoritism isn’t a deliberate rejection. Some common causes:
- Comfort / ease
Parents may gravitate more toward the child whose temperament is easier to manage, whose interests they understand. Coin collecting might have been a shared point of interest they already knew how to engage with (because your brother does it). - Repetition / tradition
Gifts sometimes get recycled, reused in families as “that’s a good idea.” So your parents might’ve thought, “He liked it, so she’ll like it too,” without pausing. - Blind spots
Love doesn’t always come with awareness. Parents may truly believe they treat both kids equally, but miss subtleties. - Comparison & identity
In many families, children are compared — even unintentionally. The more siblings you have, the more “slots” of uniqueness there are to fill. Maybe your parents had already invested in understanding your brother’s passions early, and never revisited theirs for you.
Knowing that favoritism often emerges from blind spots doesn’t erase the pain — but it helps soften the narrative: maybe it’s less about them rejecting you and more about them missing you.
What you can do now
Here are some steps you can try, if and when you’re ready:
1. Validate your feelings.
You’re allowed to be hurt, disappointed, resentful. Cry, journal, talk to a friend. These feelings are signs, not flaws.
2. Find small acts of self‑recognition.
Do something for yourself that affirms your identity — a hobby, a purchase you want, a day where you create a ritual just for you. Show yourself: “Yes, I matter.”
3. Talk to them (if you’re safe doing so).
You don’t have to accuse or demand — but you can open a conversation. Example:
“Hey, I wanted to share something that hurt me. I appreciate the coin set, but it felt odd to get the same gift my brother got. It made me feel like you never thought about what I like.”
You might get defensiveness; you might get denial. But giving voice to your hurt lets you own it (rather than letting it fester inside).
4. Set boundaries or emotional distance if needed.
If conversations don’t lead to change, you don’t have to force closeness. You can protect your peace. That might mean limiting certain interactions or requests.
5. Seek outside support.
Talking with a therapist, counselor, or trusted friend can help you sort your feelings, find perspective, and heal. When favoritism wounds run deep, doing this alone is hard.
6. Observe patterns, not isolated acts.
Watch how your parents treat you over time: Do they listen? Do they ask your interests? Do they follow through? If this coin gift is one in a long series of being “last considered,” it’s a pattern worth naming to yourself.
She explained more about her interests and what kind of gifts she would truly appreciate
Favoritism tends to leave scars of comparison: “Why does he get this and not me?” Healing means dismantling that comparison mindset.
- Understand: You are not less because someone else gets something you don’t.
- Reframe: The gift was flawed, not you.
- Build other sources of affirmation: friends, mentors, hobbies, creative outlets.
Over time, you may find that your resentment softens. Maybe the relationship changes or maybe it doesn’t — but you can grow more grounded in your identity, independent of their recognition.
Your pain is real, your tears are valid, and you deserve gifts (literal and emotional) that speak you.
If you like, I can help you turn this into a Reddit post or workshop how to approach your parents with this — would that help?
