New Mom Insists On Being A Stay-At-Home Mom Instantly Regrets It When Her Husband Files For Divorce

I (30 M) married my wife (30 F) about 5 years ago after dating since high school. We both had good jobs, were ambitious and shared nerdy interests. After about 3 years of marriage we had a baby. We agreed I’d work and she’d work too; after 6 months of daycare for the baby she refused to go back to work. She argued that if I picked up more work, we could live off one income, and she could stay home and save us money while caring for our child.

I said no—daycare was normal, and I didn’t want to end up working crazy hours and missing time with our child. I suggested we do different shifts so one of us was always home with baby (tag‑team). She wouldn’t agree, said as mom she needs to be with baby all the time. She quit her job. Then the dynamic changed: she expected me to handle work and bills and also on weekends cooking, cleaning, yard, meal‑prep, while she stayed home with baby during my work hours. I ended up working ~80 hrs/week plus ~28 hrs/week of household work, and I got maybe ~6–12 hrs/week with my child. I resented it. After repeated communication failed, I filed for divorce. Court gave 50:50 custody, no alimony or child support (I proved the stay‑at‑home decision was hers).

My ex is now struggling financially. Her friends and others say I’m a major asshole for divorcing her for being a SAHM and leaving her unsupported. But I say I never wanted the stay‑at‑home scenario—it was requested by her, unbalanced, and I was missing out on my child’s life. So, AITA?

After having their first child, this man and his partner agreed that both parents would be back at work within a year

But when his wife decided she never wanted to return to her job, their marriage quickly fell apart

Let’s dive deeper into the key issues: stay‑at‑home parent (SAHP) dynamics, fairness in marriage, “shared earning/shared parenting”, divorce rights of SAHMs, and whether the decision to divorce under these circumstances makes you the asshole.

Stay‑At‑Home Parent (SAHP) dynamics & the shared earning/shared parenting ideal

In modern marriages many couples aim for some balance: both may work, or one works and the other homemakes, but with agreed expectations. The concept of “shared earning/shared parenting” means both parents contribute—one via income, one via care, but both roles recognized. ([turn0search12])

Your expectation was something like that: both of you working initially, and then adjusting to ensure you still had quality time with your child and weren’t exhausted. You explicitly proposed tag‑team shifts to share care. Your wife’s insistence that she stays home but you pay and you still do most housework shifted the balance. That shift meant you ended up doing double duty: full‑time income earner + heavy house‑work + minimal quality time with child. That imbalance = potential resentment.

Career sacrifice, ambition and fairness

You married a woman you respected for being “smart, ambitious and driven”. That implies you valued her career identity. When she quit her job, that ambition was temporarily set aside and you accepted the idea of single income—but only if the arrangement was fair. Fairness here means you both had roles you found acceptable, you both had time with child, you both had bandwidth to maintain your lives. But your experience: you ended up with far more load than she did. She expected you to work insane hours while she stayed home, and expected you to do the heavy household stuff and yard work while weekend “breaks” were her entitlement. That sounds like you ended up working for both parents and many feel‑like you got minimal return for your sacrifices.

In a marriage, if one partner unilaterally changes the contract (she quits and demands you carry far more), you’ve got a mismatch. That mismatch in expectations can justify ending the marriage, especially if communication and renegotiation fail.

Legal rights of stay‑at‑home parents in divorce

Legally, stay‑at‑home moms have recognized rights: courts often consider their non‑financial contributions (raising kids, homemaking) in property division and alimony/spousal support. ([turn0search2], [turn0search6]) Even though the wife has no paid income, her work as homemaker counts. Also, child custody tends to favour the parent who has been primary caregiver. ([turn0search1])

The fact you could show that the decision to make her stay home was her own, and not your want, likely affected your case (no alimony, you got 50/50 custody). That doesn’t mean your attention to fairness is invalid, but it means that the law sees stay‑at‑home work as valid contribution. Others may argue that you owe her some support since she chose to sacrifice career.

Did you give enough time/communication?

One of the common criticisms for divorcing on such basis: “Maybe you both should have renegotiated, maybe you should have given her more time, maybe assumed yes she wanted to stay home and you adjusted rather than walk away.” You say you tried: you communicated, you offered tag‑team shifts, you checked alternatives. She refused each time. You recognized you were missing years of your child’s life, and you decided you couldn’t keep going. That is a legitimate boundary.

Some would argue you might have offered to revisit her employment later when baby older. But you might have. The problem is: she wasn’t willing to collaborate. Without collaboration, marriage becomes dictatorship. You endured heavy workload and little joy. It’s human to walk away from that.

Are you the asshole?

Given all this: I lean No, you’re not the asshole. Here’s why:

• You did communicate your needs: you said you didn’t want to miss your child’s life, you offered alternatives.
• You didn’t force her to work, you offered reasonable flexibility (tag‑team shifts, your mom’s help).
• The arrangement she insisted on created a burden on you that you found unsustainable, and resentment built. A marriage based on equality morphed into something unequal.
• You prioritized being present for your child, which is a valid parental value.
• You accepted the outcome of divorce: 50/50 custody, no support claim for her because of her decision. Sounds legally fair given your jurisdiction.

However—there’s a nuance. It might help to reflect whether divorce was the only solution or you might have tried a sabbatical for her to return to work later. But if you did and she refused, then walking away is not cruel.

Potential criticisms you should be aware of

• Some may say you undervalue the role of a stay‑at‑home parent: yes, they do work hard, sacrifice career. But your complaint is not “she stayed home”, it’s “you ended up doing everything and having zero time with child”. That’s the imbalance.
• Others may say you benefitted from your parents’ resources (living with them). That may come off as privilege—but you say it was for your child’s benefit and your parents love the baby.
• Some may argue children benefit from one parent staying home. That can be true, but if one parent is gone emotionally/physically due to overwork, that benefit may vanish.

Advice moving forward

• Even though divorce occurred, continue to model cooperative co‑parenting. Your child benefits from both parents valuing their time.
• Encourage your ex‑wife to develop a plan for career growth (she sacrificed early). This helps her financial stability and your child’s view of both parents being self‑sufficient.
• Reflect on future relationships: clarify roles, expectations, and shared values before baby stage.
• Be compassionate to the emotional fallout: she may feel abandoned, rejected, humiliated. That doesn’t mean you were wrong—just means things got painful.
• Document and restructure finances and parenting plan so child sees you present and engaged. That’s a strong priority.

Some readers were skeptical about the legitimacy of the post, so the father responded again