When “Roasting” a Friend Explosion in Front of His Family—Am I the A**hole?
I’ve been part of a close‑knit friend group (all male, about 25 yrs old) that’s known each other most of our lives. About 1.5 years ago a new guy, “John”, joined us. From day one he irritated me — rude, pretentious, always acting like he knew everything. For example: when someone said “Einstein” he interrupted to ask if they meant the scientist “Albert Einshtein”. I posted a Snapchat saying “I love college football!” and he messaged “It’s called gridiron you moron.”
Over time he started targeting me especially: I told the group I’m a biomedical engineer, he called me a “drone” and said engineering is trivial, mocked my Reddit appearances, questioned my worth. He claims he’s “making real art” as a photographer (works at Starbucks) and that I wouldn’t understand. On his birthday party (with friends & family), after a long pattern of his insults, I exploded: while handing out mics for “favorite memory” I told him his pictures sucked, he’d never amount to anything, he’s a 27‑yo barista with no degree, etc. His dad shoved me, John charged, I got kicked out, blocked, the group went silent.
So: was I the asshole for doing that? In short: I don’t think so—but I also recognize I crossed a line by making that a spectacle.
Friends are supposed to support and boost one another up instead of tearing each other down
The poster shared that he’s been close friends with a group of guys for almost all his life, and that a pretentious man called John recently joined their group
Let’s unpack this situation deeper—what was going on from both sides, the social dynamics, the conflict mechanics, and whether you should apologise (and how). I’ll include some research & perspectives on friendships, insults, and conflict. Keywords you might see: friend group conflict, passive aggressive friends, public confrontation friends, insult dynamics friendship, repairing friendship after insult.
The dynamic of friendship + irritation
You have a longstanding friend group; you feel comfortable. John enters the scene and you immediately feel he doesn’t “fit” your vibe: pretentious, one‑upping, mocking you. Research on friendships and conflict shows that friends who continuously make sarcastic comments, passive‑or‑active insults, create tension even if they call it “joking.” Verywell Mind+2From Insult to Respect+2
For example, VerywellMind lists as warning signs of passive‑aggressive friends: using jokes to hurt, inconsistent behaviour, undermining you while pretending it’s just banter. Verywell Mind And from Insults Amongst Friends we know that insults can happen in friendships, but when they become frequent, targeted, and hurtful, that’s a red line. From Insult to Respect
So context: for months you’ve been the target of his digs, name‑calling (“drone”), mocking your career, dismissing your accomplishments. That builds resentment.
Was his behaviour okay?
No — he was crossing a line. Friends jest, rib each other, but when he says “any monkey with a brain can do what you do,” keeps calling you “pussy,” mocks you in front of other people, that’s bullying in a friend group. He positioned himself above you, undermined you, and didn’t respect your boundaries (you told him you didn’t like being called “drone”). That kind of continual disrespect is legitimate ground for frustration.
Your reaction: Valid but messy
You reached a breaking point. In the moment of his birthday party with friends & family, you didn’t only “stand up for yourself”—you publicly attacked him: his career, his art, his worth. Was that productive or fair? Probably not entirely. Public humiliation tends to escalate conflict, it puts everyone in an uncomfortable position, and it can permanently damage relationships. According to conflict‑handling advice: when emotions are high, it’s better to step back and then address the issue calmly later. The Everygirl+1
From How to Handle Friendship Conflicts Like an Adult the article says: you should choose the right moment, communicate respectfully, and avoid dragging others into it or making it public in a group setting. The Everygirl
So yes: your reaction had legitimate roots, but the execution turned it into a performance rather than a resolution.
Where it gets complicated: collective group dynamics
The incident happened in front of John’s friends & family, and your mutual friend group. That makes the stakes higher. Social groups often avoid taking sides to protect cohesion. By making a big call‑out, you forced others to pick sides or awkwardly shuffle. That explains why your group chat is silent and you got kicked out: the group may feel the damage is too large or the setting wrong. It’s less about whether you were “right,” more about the method.
Should you apologise?
Here’s where nuance comes in. Apologies don’t always mean you were wrong in principle—they mean you acknowledge how you did something caused harm or crossed a boundary. Based on the interpersonal skills discussion: if you insulted a friend out of anger in front of others, it’s respectful to offer an apology that says “I went too far, it should not have been done in that way.” Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange
So you can say something like: “Hey John, I’ve let stuff build up and I should have talked to you before. That moment at your party with the mic was too far. I’m sorry for how I attacked you in front of everyone. I still feel you’ve been disrespectful to me over time but I could have handled it better.” That gives you both acknowledgment and a chance to reset.
Will an apology fix it?
Maybe—but you must accept it might not. The article on repairing friendships suggests you can apologise but you also must show change and give time. If the person decides they’re done, you can’t force them back. Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange
Moving on from here & self reflection
- Ask: What do I want? Do you want to salvage this friendship, move on, or adjust how you engage with him (or the group)?
- Review: How did I communicate? You had valid frustration, but you let it boil into a public breakdown. Future: you could bring up issues in private.
- Set boundaries: His constant mocking and name‑calling should not be tolerated. But you don’t have to meet that with public insults. You can say: “When you mock me like this, it hurts. I don’t appreciate it. If it continues I’ll step away.”
- Understand consequences: By publicly insulting him, you risk your own reputation, group cohesion, and perhaps invited retaliation (roast post).
- Decide regard to the group: Are they safe, respectful, enjoying the dynamic? Maybe some friendships shift as you grow.
Final verdict
You were not automatically the jerk. Your frustration was valid, his behaviour was disrespectful, you had reason to feel hurt. But you did do something problematic: you chose a public moment to attack him, poked at his identity and worth, and that escalated dramatically. So I’d call this a partial “YTA” for the method, but you’re also NTA for reaching your limit.
If I must pick: YTA, but lightly so—because yes you crossed a line, but the root issue isn’t purely you.
Some folks sided with the poster and felt that he had done the right thing by confronting John, while others felt he had acted too rashly
Friend groups are messy, especially when new people join, baggage accumulates, and teasing turns into disrespect. You deserve to be treated with respect. But when you react, the how matters just as much as the what.
If you care about this group, consider reaching out with a measured apology, talk to John one‑on‑one, admit you handled it badly, express your desire for mutual respect. If he or the group aren’t receptive, maybe this is a signal: it’s time to step back, find people who meet you halfway.
