Your husband’s refusal to watch your kids doesn’t cancel my travel plans

I have a friend—let’s call her Sara—who has two kids (10 & 12) with severe anxiety issues and needs intense supervision. I only hung out with them once (guessing swimming + beach day) and I ended up mentally drained. I told Sara I don’t do well with kids and it was a one‑off.
Sara and I otherwise have fun, mid‑day cocktails, evening events—when her kids are out of the picture. So I figured, great: I found a vacation condo getaway—girls‑night, drive up, groceries + booze, low contact, easy. I invite Sara. She’s keen but then says: “I can’t go, nobody will look after my kids.” I ask: “Is your husband home?” She said: “He refuses to watch them. Ever.”
I decide to go with another friend. Sara flips out: accusing me of ditching her, saying I hate her kids, how I’ve seen her in 3 months. Then she rings back: ok the husband will watch them 5 pm until 10 am next day—makes zero sense for our plan. So yeah, I told myself: maybe this friendship is done.

Having a close group of friends to share secrets and vent your frustrations with can make life way more fun and manageable

One woman shared how her plan for a carefree, drink-filled girls’ night went sideways when a friend insisted on bringing her child along

The core issue: expectations vs boundaries

What hits me is this: you invite a friend on a getaway. The expectation is, we all commit. But suddenly the terms change. “I can’t unless you adjust,” says Sara. She’s pushing her logistical problem (kids + husband refusing) onto you.
A healthy scenario: Friend has kids -> says “I’d love to go, but I need to find childcare.” If they can’t, they say “I’ll sit this one out.” End of story.
Here: the husband refuses to watch kids (that’s Sara’s reality), she wants you to wait or adjust your plan. That’s the red flag.

Unpacking boundary‑setting and friendship health

Relationships—friendships included—thrive when there’s mutual respect, understanding, and realistic expectations. When you start feeling drained, resentful, or manipulated, it’s a cue to examine the dynamic. Psych articles say: “Setting healthy boundaries in relationships can help you strengthen connections… avoid unhealthy connections and improve your self‑esteem and overall well‑being.” HelpGuide.org+1
Here, you’re realizing: I need occasional fun, low‑stress. Sara’s current life situation (kids, husband, chaotic) means her availability and emotional state are different. And you told her you don’t do kids well. So you’re operating in different zones.
It’s ok for you to choose what you’re comfortable with. It’s not a rejection of her—but a recognition of your capacity and priorities.

When one person carries emotional load

Sara texted you every day of quarantine, complaining about kids + husband. She said she is jealous of your “lifestyle” and claimed you’re “lucky” not having kids. That dynamic is heavy.
Constant venting is fine—when balanced. But when you’re the listener/therapist AND the friend expects you to drop what you’re doing and make everything revolve around her, the friendship becomes unequal. You feel obligated. That’s burnout risk.
A lot of sources call this people‑pleasing territory, where you say “yes” even when you want to say “no.” Terri Cole+1
You were honest: you don’t like to babysit or be around those kids. Good on you for sticking to your truth.

The travel plan breakdown

The plan: drive to condo, bring snacks + beverages, stay overnight, wake morning, home. Simple.
Sara’s objection: her husband won’t watch kids, so she can’t commit. You pivot to another friend. Totally fair.
When she says “bring the kids” or expects you to include them (kids who are draining + medication + anxiety) that changes the entire vibe of the trip. You had a girls‑night. Including kids = different trip.
When the husband later says “ok I will from 5pm‑10am” but the timeline’s wrong (you’d arrive 8pm, leave 6am) — the math doesn’t add up. It’s like she wants the option of you waiting for her readiness, but maybe never truly ready. That’s unfair.
You stopped texting her. You gave your real friend the jailbreak to go. That’s your right.

Emotional loyalty vs self‑care

Many people feel guilty when they pull back from friends who are in rough spots. Guilt: “I’ve known you 4 years, you’re shouting for help, how can I abandon you?” But self‑care is real.
A article on boundaries says: “Friends are voluntary. … it’s important to get clear about who you invite into your one‑of‑a‑kind, amazing life.” Terri Cole+1
This means you get to choose how much energy you invest. Friendships aren’t static—they evolve. It’s okay if yours evolves differently.
You told Sara you don’t do kids, but she still assumed you’d drop your plan or adjust to her zone. That’s disrespecting the boundary you already set.
When you didn’t respond to her guilt texts/calls, you enforced your boundary. And yes, that can “feel harsh” but sometimes you need to do it to guard your emotional health.

Potential “what‑ifs” and downsides

• Could you have told her earlier: “Hey, I’m committed to the getaway with these terms (no kids, two adults). If your husband cannot watch the kids at that time, I’ll need to go without you.” That is clearer, and maybe she’d still choose but you’re upfront.
• She will feel hurt, maybe angry. You anticipated that. That’s normal. But you’re not responsible for her response.
• Long‑term: do you want her as a friend? You might ask: Does this friendship still fit who I am and what I want? People change; priorities shift.
• If you ignore her totally you might burn bridges. If you stay in weak‑communication land (“we’ll see”), you may feel uneasy.
• If you shift entirely to “I’ll support her no matter what” you risk flooding your boundaries and resenting her later.

She also answered a few questions from readers who were curious about how the situation unfolded

You’re not the asshole here. You set a boundary (“I’m doing a girls’ trip, no kids, consistent with how I am”). Friend had a valid reason (her kids/husband issues) but her reason doesn’t require you to cancel your plan.
She tried to include her kids, or otherwise change the terms, or guilt you. That goes beyond healthy friendship behaviour when you’ve already communicated your limits.
She’s upset—but upset ≠ you being wrong. She asked you, you were honest, then her availability didn’t match. You found a buddy to go with and moved on. Totally legitimate.
If you want to salvage the friendship you could say: “I value our friendship. I’m going ahead with this trip as we planned (no kids). If your husband can’t watch the kids at that time, I’m going anyway and you’re welcome to join if everything lines up with those terms.” That keeps the door open without compromising you.