WIBTA for refusing to close my girlfriend’s closet door at night?
One of the biggest signs you truly care about your partner is actually pretty simple—you respect their boundaries. When someone has been through serious trauma and asks you not to do something because it might trigger them, the kind and loving thing is to listen. But let’s be real… in some relationships, the “obvious” isn’t always obvious.
So, here’s where things get messy.
A guy went online to vent about how his girlfriend kept asking him to close her closet door, and he thought it was a huge issue. But later, the girlfriend saw his post and jumped in with her own side of the story. She shared why she ended things, why his behavior felt incredibly disrespectful, and how it connected to her childhood trauma.
It’s a wild ride through boundary-setting, emotional wellness, and the kind of relationship advice people don’t expect to need.
Scroll down to see the whole story from both sides—the boyfriend’s version and the girlfriend’s powerful response.
For any relationship to be healthy, you have to respect each other’s boundaries. If you intentionally trample all over them, things won’t end well
One guy thought that his girlfriend was making up her childhood trauma, so he decided to intentionally trigger her
Past trauma and ongoing fear — real psychological effects
When someone survives a traumatic event, especially involving fear, threats, or being trapped, it’s common for them to develop long‑term coping mechanisms: hypervigilance, avoidance — and sometimes heightened sensitivity to triggers that feel “unsafe.” NCBI+1
Things like closed vs open doors, dark closets, shadows — may become symbolic triggers. They can stir memories, flashbacks, or deep anxiety, sometimes without the person even fully realizing why the reaction is so strong. NOCD+2nhs.uk+2
For some trauma survivors, a simple mis‑step — like a door left open — can trigger a panic response or strong emotional distress. That distress is real, valid, and not “just moodiness.” Mayo Clinic+2PTSD UK+2
Additionally, there is a known link between past trauma (especially unresolved) and sleep‑related phenomena like Sleep Paralysis or other forms of night‑time fear. Harvard Health+2Wikipedia+2 Some people who’ve experienced trauma find the vulnerability of nighttime especially triggering.
So her request to keep the closet door shut may not just be “a random weird preference.” It may be a real emotional or psychological need — a boundary she must uphold to feel safe in her own home.
🧠 Understanding triggers vs. what may feel “normal” to others
From your side: yeah, sleeping with bedroom doors or closet doors closed or open doesn’t feel like a big deal. And you may not personally understand why the closet matters to her. To you, forgetting to close it might be an honest mistake.
But for someone with trauma or anxiety triggered by open doors/cluttered closets/dark spaces — that “honest mistake” can translate into deep fear, stress, and emotional pain the next morning.
Mental‑health professionals generally recommend that trauma survivors avoid unnecessary triggers if possible — especially for recurring safety cues (like open doors, shadows, small spaces). Wikipedia+2nhs.uk+2
When we dismiss such triggers as “ridiculous,” “random,” or “childish,” it invalidates the emotional reality of the other person. That kind of invalidation — over time — can cause real harm: eroding trust, support, and emotional safety in the relationship.
❤️ In relationships — empathy, boundaries, and validating trauma matters
Being in a committed relationship often means accommodating each other’s vulnerabilities — especially when those vulnerabilities stem from past pain. If a partner asks for a small, reasonable gesture (like closing a closet door), respecting that request can be a sign of care, support, and love.
It doesn’t mean you’re coddling someone. It means you value their safety and emotional peace. A partner’s trauma‑induced needs don’t always make sense to everyone — but that’s the point of love: to love even when you don’t fully understand.
By calling her reliance on closet‑door closure “childish” instead of trying to understand or gently ask what would help her feel safe, you didn’t just disagree with a preference — you dismissed a coping mechanism that helps her get through psychological distress.
That kind of reaction can feel like betrayal — especially late at night, when she’s most vulnerable.
⚖️ My Verdict: Yes — YTA (You’d Be The Asshole)
I see why you were annoyed. Repeated reminders first thing in the morning could feel tiresome. And you might want normalcy — to believe that past trauma should stop dictating daily habits, especially now.
But calling her coping mechanism “dumb” or “childish,” refusing to respect this boundary intentionally, and then walking away — that crosses into dismissiveness and invalidation.
You didn’t just mess up a minor habit. You ignored a core emotional safety net for someone with a history of trauma. That’s more serious than leaving a closet open once by mistake.
If you truly care about her, you owe her an apology — not because “you forgot,” but because you judged. Trauma isn’t always logical. For someone living with it, triggers are real — and small acts of care help ground them.
Many readers were shocked that anyone would behave this way
❤️ What You Could Do Instead — If You Want to Make Things Right (and Protect the Relationship)
If you want to stay with her and rebuild trust:
- Sincerely apologize, not with “I’m sorry for snapping,” but “I’m sorry I dismissed your feelings and called your way of coping childish.”
- Ask questions. Instead of telling her what she should “get over,” gently ask her to explain what the closet door/signs mean to her. This shows empathy and curiosity.
- Respect boundaries. Even if it doesn’t make sense to you, treat the closet‑door closure as a real boundary, just like locking a door or closing a closet because someone is shy or needs privacy.
- Offer reassurance. Remind her that you’re there to support her—not to judge. Emotional safety matters as much as physical space.
- Encourage professional help (if she isn’t already getting it). Trauma often benefits from therapy. A professional can help her work through triggers so they hurt less over time.
