AIBU to Decline My BIL’s Child-Free Destination Wedding Despite Being Willing to Attend Before?
OP (a regular user posting under a throwaway) shares a detailed and emotionally charged situation involving her brother-in-law’s upcoming wedding overseas. The wedding, set for next July, is meant to be a big celebration following a legal marriage that already happened this past March. Initially, OP and her husband were ready to attend the event with their two young children (who’ll be 2 and 4 by then) and even planned to make it a family holiday—despite the eye-watering £11k price tag.
However, plans took a turn when BIL and SIL announced the event would be “over-21s only.” The kids could only attend for two small portions of the weekend (a dinner and two hours on the wedding day). OP and her husband, trying to be respectful, said they’d adjust plans and just send Dad for a solo visit. What followed was a flurry of tension. BIL suggested OP’s ailing mother fly in to babysit (clearly not an option), MIL accused them of being cheap and potentially causing a family rift, and now BIL wants a follow-up call.
Now OP is wondering—are they being unreasonable for pulling back after the “no kids” rule, especially given the money, stress, and travel involved?
It’s funny how families are mostly the root of any drama that happens during weddings
The poster’s brother-in-law is getting married in a different country, so they planned to turn it into a family vacation with their two kids
Let’s be honest—wedding invites can sometimes feel like landmines. Add in an 8-hour flight, £11k in travel costs, two toddlers, and a kid-free rule, and suddenly what should be a joyous occasion turns into an emotional battleground.
✈️ 1. Child-Free Destination Weddings Are a Double-Whammy
There’s been a huge uptick in child-free weddings in recent years, and sure—everyone’s entitled to shape their wedding day how they want. But when you mix a child-free policy with a destination wedding, you’re asking a lot more than just attendance. You’re asking for sacrifice, stress, and a whole lot of money.
According to wedding industry site Hitched.co.uk, the average cost for a guest attending a destination wedding is over £5,000—per couple. Throw in kids, and the logistics grow exponentially: passports, flights, nap times, jet lag, car seats, baby-safe accommodations, unfamiliar healthcare systems—the list goes on.
This isn’t a “don’t bring your kids to a local venue” issue. This is a logistical and financial nightmare for any family with young children.
💸 2. Money Talks—And It’s Shouting Right Now
Let’s talk brass tacks. OP and her husband were prepared to pay £11,000. That’s more than some people spend on their own weddings. But now that their children can’t be part of the actual wedding experience, what exactly are they spending that money on?
- A long-haul flight with toddlers to a place where they’re not welcome?
- A “holiday” in a location they didn’t choose, during a stressful period, to attend only fragments of a family celebration?
It doesn’t make emotional or financial sense anymore.
And let’s not ignore OP’s very real comment—their financial situation has become unstable in recent months. That changes the calculus. You don’t spend a down payment’s worth of cash on a trip just to honor someone else’s vision, especially when that vision explicitly excludes your kids.
🧒 3. The Emotional Whiplash of “No Kids Allowed”
OP’s kids aren’t just “some guests”—they’re the only cousins BIL and SIL’s future children will ever have. That makes this not just about logistics but family relationships. These kids will be part of each other’s lives (hopefully) for decades to come. Starting that relationship with “they weren’t welcome at our wedding” isn’t a great look.
Child-free weddings aren’t inherently rude. But in tight-knit families, especially when small kids are close relatives, they can sting. Many parents interpret it as a message that says, “your family dynamic isn’t compatible with our perfect day.”
📞 4. Let’s Talk About the MIL Drama
The 90-minute phone call with MIL is a whole saga of its own.
- She claims DH is trying to get out of paying for the trip—despite the fact they were fully onboard before the kids were excluded.
- She says she’s caught in the middle—even though no one actually asked her to be.
- She’s now trying to escalate it by encouraging more “discussion”—which seems more like a guilt campaign than a solution.
Let’s be clear: when MIL starts guilt-tripping you for not spending over ten grand on a trip where your kids are barely allowed, that’s not “being caught in the middle.” That’s picking a side.
💬 5. “Let Your Mum Fly Out Too” – The Wildest Suggestion of All
This part is almost comical. BIL actually suggested OP’s elderly, unwell mother fly 8 hours internationally to babysit two toddlers in a hotel room.
That’s not a solution—it’s a Hail Mary.
The lack of awareness here is staggering. It ignores both her health and the very real fact that babysitting abroad isn’t just watching TV while the kids nap. It involves safety concerns, unfamiliar places, and a ton of responsibility. No decent parent would agree to that if they knew the reality.
🔄 6. They’re Not Cancelling – They’re Adjusting
This is what makes the accusations sting the most. OP and her husband aren’t boycotting the wedding. They’re adjusting. They respectfully said “we get it,” and offered a totally valid compromise: one parent attends solo. That’s more than many would do, frankly.
They didn’t demand the rules change. They didn’t try to guilt BIL. They respected the couple’s choices—and are now being vilified for making their own.
⚖️ 7. AIBU Verdict: No. Just… No.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Wait, how are THEY the problem?” —you’re not alone. OP and her husband did everything right:
- They supported the idea of the wedding and were ready to go.
- They didn’t argue with the over-21s rule.
- They adjusted their plans based on what’s best for their kids and finances.
- They still plan to send someone (the husband) as a representative.
Frankly, they’ve shown more flexibility and maturity than the people accusing them of causing a rift.
After the poster’s updates, netizens felt that her in-laws had no sense of boundaries and were demanding something very unfair from the couple
Here’s the thing: weddings are about one day. But families—especially those with kids—have to plan for a lifetime. OP and her husband are playing the long game. They’re protecting their budget, their sanity, and their children’s comfort.
They’re not being petty. They’re being practical.
If anyone in this story is unreasonable, it’s the people demanding total sacrifice for a few hours of celebration—and forgetting that the best way to honor family is to meet each other where we really are.
