Couple Lets Homeless Friend Move In To Help Him Out 5 Months Later, He’s Still There And Living Off Them

You and your wife opened your home to her friend when she had nowhere else to go. What started as a temporary stay stretched into five months. During that time, she’s rarely held up her side: no steady job, minimal chores, odd sleeping habits, and no clear plan to leave. You feel trapped, your home life disrupted, work impacted. You’ve asked repeatedly, tried to help her, but things haven’t changed. So now you’ve drawn a firm boundary: she must leave by November 1. She’s hurt, emotional, and accuses you of abandonment. Are you the asshole?

I lean NTA (Not the Asshole). You’ve been generous and patient, and setting limits is not only fair but necessary. But it’s not a clean call either — there are moral tensions, relational strain, and emotional costs. Let’s dig into it.

Friends are meant to be there for each other, sure, but even the strongest friendships have their limits

One couple kindly let their homeless friend move in after she was dumped and kicked out by her boyfriend

1. The Emotional & Moral Tightrope of Helping Someone

You did a kind thing. You invited someone in when they had nowhere else, during a cold spot in their life. That’s admirable, especially considering she was your wife’s friend. Many people wouldn’t open their doors.

But acts of kindness don’t mean limitless sacrifice. When your generosity starts to damage your mental health, peace, or everyday life, it can become harmful — to you, your marriage, and indirectly to the person you’re “helping.” There’s a concept in self‑care: you can’t drain your tank trying to fill someone else’s. Compassion doesn’t mean absence of boundaries.

Also, she is (or was) homeless — which carries emotional weight. People in that situation often feel vulnerable, shame, dependency, and fear. They may struggle with motivation, mental health, or trauma. You probably had empathy. But empathy doesn’t erase the need for accountability.

So every day, you faced a tension: “Do I push harder, risk hurting her, or step back and reclaim my space?” You tried to help — résumé, calling companies, gentle reminders — but after months without real progress, the balance tipped.

2. The Pattern: Ambiguity, Responsibility, and Behavioral Drift

Your story shows a repeated pattern:

• She never sets a departure date, or when she does, it’s vague ( “around October” )
• She avoids responsibility: sending only one resume in ten months
• She behaves passively: closes shutters, sleeps late, minimal effort on chores or integration
• She gaslights ambiguity: when asked “when are you leaving?” she acts clueless, denies remembering

This is not just laziness. It may be a coping mechanism. Maybe she feels stuck, suffers from low motivation, or fears change. But whether rational or emotional, the outcome is the same: your home is not a transitional shelter forever.

In relationships and house‑sharing, boundaries and expectations are crucial. You and your wife had to live and work. Because she’s living in your shared space (half your flat, with shared areas), her habits affect your life directly: lack of light, inability to use the living room, meetings from the kitchen, tense communications.

You communicated. Multiple times. You expressed how you feel uncomfortable entering while she sleeps. You asked for dates. You tried to get her to plan. You gave her responsibilities. You went above minimal effort by helping her professionally. You didn’t wake up one morning and throw her out. You gave chances. That matters.

At some point, ongoing ambiguity becomes emotional blackmail or passive aggression. It’s unfair to expect someone else to “read your mind” about leaving. If someone stays indefinitely without clarity, it becomes burden — even if they don’t intend harm.

3. Rights, Tenant Laws, and Legal Considerations (France Context as an Example)

You’re in France, which has relatively strong tenant and occupant rights. But there’s a difference between a formal tenant (who signs a lease) and an informal guest or squatter. If she has no lease, you can likely give reasonable notice to vacate. However, you must be careful not to violate local housing laws or anti‑discrimination rules. (I’m not a lawyer; check local rules.)

In many places, hosts have the right to ask guests to leave, especially if no lease agreement exists. But it’s wise to give reasonable time to find alternative accommodation. And avoid using force or doing something that could be interpreted as illegal eviction.

A few key legal tips (common in many Western countries):

• Give written notice, with clear date.
• Document conversations and attempts to resolve amicably.
• Don’t change locks or remove possessions unilaterally without legal process.
• Offer reasonable time (weeks, not hours) so she can relocate and secure housing.

Because you’ve already warned her, repeatedly, given multiple conversations, you have a foundation to be firm. As long as your notice is reasonable and nonviolent, you’re in safer ground.

Also, legally, in France, there’s something called droit au logement (right to housing). Evictions around this concept can be subject to rules, especially in winter (“trêve hivernale”). But those rules mostly apply to formal tenants and landlords, not informal guests. If in winter, you may be limited in certain periods (generally from November to March) in forced evictions. You should check local municipal housing laws. If you’re near winter, you might need to be cautious. But requiring someone to leave is still your prerogative provided proper procedure.

4. The Cost to You, Your Marriage & Daily Life

Your decision is not just about her — it’s about preserving your home, your mental space, your marriage.

• You and your wife have to accommodate her schedule — no natural light, cannot use living room, work meetings eaten by constraints.
• You feel “trapped” in your own home. That’s not a sustainable life.
• Tension builds between you and your wife (probably), especially if she’s more empathetic or guilty.
• The stress, resentment, and even desperation can harm your relationship, work, health.

You have a right to your living space, boundaries, comfort, and peace. You don’t owe someone eternal shelter that impedes your own life.

Yes, it’s emotionally heavy. When you ask someone to leave who was once in crisis, feelings are hurt. It feels cold. But boundaries preserve your capacity to help others in the future — you can’t help everyone all the time.

5. Alternatives, Mitigations & Compassionate Exits

Before kicking someone out, the best path is a compassionate exit plan. Some ideas:

• Assist her in locating affordable housing, shelters, or social support (local social services).
• Connect her with job programs, mental health aid, or training.
• Give her clear timeline with milestones (e.g. job hunt, viewings) and regular check-ins.
• Offer storage help for her things while she looks.
• Let her have a grace period beyond November 1 (a few extra days) in case of delays—but only if she shows genuine effort.

You can also offer a “transition living” arrangement: she temporarily moves to a different room or arrangement, or splits a small cost of rent, so she begins the journey toward independence.

If she had started applying, showing initiative, or trying, your tone could be more flexible. But after months of stalling and avoidance, your patience has limits.

6. Is It Kicking Out or Standing Up?

Word choice matters. “Kicking out” sounds harsh, but “asking to leave after agreeing to temporary stay” sounds fair. Because you never offered indefinite residence. It was supposed to be temporary. When she accepted, she implicitly agreed to move on eventually.

You’re not evicting a formal tenant. You’re enforcing agreements and boundaries you never fully laid out but have tried to now. You’re protecting your space. In moral terms, the priority is preserving your home life, while giving someone dignity in their transition out.

You might feel guilty, but guilt doesn’t automatically make you wrong. In many analogies, helping someone doesn’t mean absorbing their trauma or sacrificing your footing. Think of it like lending someone money with a deadline — if they keep avoiding repayment, you have a right to demand it back.

7. Emotional Fallout & Relationship Risks

Yes, fallout is almost inevitable.

• She’ll feel betrayed or abandoned.
• Mutual friends or acquaintances may judge you (calling you cruel, ungrateful).
• Your wife might feel torn: hurt for her friend, loyal to you.
• You may regret not doing more or feel guilty later.

But conflict isn’t always proof of wrongdoing. Sometimes tension is the price of asserting your limits.

You could mitigate fallout by:

• Communicating compassionately (“I love you, I truly want you to thrive, but living here indefinitely is unsustainable for all of us”).
• Giving her time and logistical support.
• Framing it not as rejecting her, but asking her to step into next phase.
• Being consistent and firm so she understands this is final, not negotiable forever.

People don’t always like tough love. But love doesn’t always look like permission for unlimited accommodation.

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In the comments, readers made some practical suggestions for getting the freeloading friend off the couch and out the door, some gentle, and some no-nonsense

You are NTA. You acted with patience, attempts at help, kindness, and multiple conversations. Your decision to end this indefinite stay is justified. You’re not cold — you’re protecting your home, your marriage, giving her a clear boundary.

That said, there’s room for nuance and humility. Next steps are important: deliver your notice clearly (preferably in writing), offer her a transition plan or support, and follow through kindly but firmly. If she refuses or stalls further, you may need to escalate (legally or by taking back your space). But unless you cross into cruel, vindictive behavior, you’re in your rights to reclaim your home.