MIL Secretly Gives Baby Formula Behind Mom’s Back, Claims “He Was Starving” When Confronted
You’re a mom of two, visiting family overseas, already in a vulnerable place because you don’t see them often and this is the first time everyone meets your newborn son. From the start, your MIL is intensely focused on your baby. Constant messages. Calling him her baby. Questioning your parenting choices. Criticizing breastfeeding. Undermining how you soothe him.
You step into the shower. You come out. Your baby is screaming. And there she is — feeding your exclusively breastfed 3‑month‑old formula from a bottle she secretly bought and hid in her house. No consent. No discussion. No emergency. Just her deciding she knows better than you.
When you confront her, instead of apologizing, she attacks you. Says it’s her right as a grandmother. Accuses you of jealousy. Tells you she knows how to raise a son and you don’t.
Woman catches MIL feeding baby without her consent
She talks about interference and judgment from her in-laws
Let’s get one thing clear right away:
This was not about formula vs breastfeeding.
You already said it yourself — you combo fed your first child. You’re not anti‑formula. The issue here is consent, control, boundaries, and respect.
And what your MIL did crossed multiple lines at once.
This situation touches on a lot of big, high‑impact topics like parental rights, newborn care, breastfeeding boundaries, toxic in‑laws, postpartum mental health, family conflict, and marriage dynamics. These are not small issues. These are foundational.
Let’s break it down calmly.
1. Feeding a Baby Without Parental Consent Is a Huge Violation
This cannot be overstated.
Feeding an infant is a medical and parental decision. Even if the baby were hungry (which she assumed, not knew), she had no authority to make that call.
What she did was:
- Buy a bottle in secret
- Buy formula in secret
- Wait until you were alone and vulnerable (in the shower)
- Feed your baby without your knowledge
- Then justify it instead of apologizing
That’s not “helping.”
That’s undermining your role as a parent.
In parenting terms, this is called parental override, and it’s one of the most damaging things an extended family member can do.
2. “It’s My Right as a Grandma” Is Not a Thing
Grandparents have privileges, not rights.
Rights belong to parents.
Full stop.
Being a grandmother does not give someone authority over:
- feeding choices
- sleep routines
- medical decisions
- attachment methods
- bonding practices
Her statement that she has “a right” to feed your child is deeply concerning. It shows she does not recognize you as the primary caregiver or decision‑maker.
That mindset doesn’t get better with time. It usually gets worse.
3. The Breastfeeding Comments Were About Control, Not Concern
Let’s talk about her obsession with your breastfeeding.
She wasn’t saying:
- “Are you getting enough rest?”
- “How can I support you?”
- “Let me know if you want help.”
She was saying:
- “He’s never full.”
- “You’re too attached.”
- “He needs more than what you’re giving him.”
Those aren’t supportive comments. Those are power‑struggle comments.
Breastfeeding already comes with enough pressure. When someone constantly questions it, what they’re really doing is questioning your competence as a mother.
And then she proved it by acting behind your back.
4. The Emotional Incest Red Flag (“My Baby”)
Calling a grandchild “my baby” once in a while can be harmless.
But in your case, it wasn’t harmless.
Paired with:
- her emotional distance from your daughter
- her obsession with your son
- her accusation that you “took her son away”
- her jealousy of your bond with your baby
This points to something deeper: enmeshment.
She doesn’t see herself as extended family. She sees herself as central. And she sees you as competition.
That’s not a MIL problem. That’s a boundary and identity problem.
5. The Gender Difference Matters
You noticed she treats your daughter differently.
That’s important.
It suggests:
- favoritism
- gender bias
- projection of her emotional needs onto your son
Children pick up on this early. Favoritism damages siblings and creates long‑term emotional issues. Your instinct to protect your kids from that dynamic is correct.
This isn’t just about you anymore. It’s about your children’s emotional safety.
6. Your FIL and the “Be Grateful” Gaslighting
When your FIL said you were overreacting and should be grateful, that was classic family gaslighting.
It reframes the situation as:
- her intentions > your boundaries
- her feelings > your authority
- harmony > accountability
That kind of response trains women, especially mothers, to tolerate disrespect “for the sake of peace.”
You didn’t fall for it. Good.
7. Leaving Was the Right Move
You did not scream.
You did not get physical.
You did not insult her first.
You removed yourself and your baby from an unsafe and disrespectful situation.
That’s not dramatic. That’s protective parenting.
Walking away was the calmest, safest option available.
8. The Smear Campaign Afterward Is Telling
The fact that she immediately called relatives to turn them against you says everything.
People who know they crossed a line:
- apologize
- reflect
- try to repair
People who know they crossed a line but refuse accountability:
- recruit allies
- play the victim
- rewrite the story
The flood of calls demanding you apologize is proof she is more concerned with control and image than with your trust.
9. The Bigger Issue: Your Husband
This is the hardest part.
Your MIL is the problem — but your husband’s reaction matters more long‑term.
Right now:
- he admits she was inappropriate
- but won’t reduce contact
- won’t enforce real consequences
- won’t fully protect you or the kids
That puts you in a painful position.
When a partner stays neutral in a conflict like this, neutrality sides with the aggressor.
You’re not asking him to cut his mother off forever. You’re asking him to:
- defend your parental authority
- enforce boundaries
- protect your children
That’s reasonable.
10. You Are Not “Keeping Her Grandson Away”
That accusation is emotional manipulation.
You didn’t take her grandson away.
She lost access by violating trust.
Access to children is conditional on respecting parents. Always.
So… AITA?
No.
You are NTA in every sense.
You were:
- disrespected
- undermined
- overridden
- insulted
- gaslit
And you responded by protecting your baby.
That’s not asshole behavior. That’s motherhood.
The woman addresses concerns about boundaries and the family drama that followed
This wasn’t a small mistake. It was a test.
She tested whether she could:
- override your choices
- undermine your authority
- replace you when you weren’t looking
You said no.
That’s powerful.
Now the focus shifts to whether your husband is willing to stand fully with you — not just in words, but in action.
Because boundaries without enforcement are just suggestions.
And your kids deserve parents who protect them together.
