AITA for Not Giving My Brother (and His Wife) the Bigger Room When They Moved In?
I let my brother and his wife stay with me after they lost their house — but on one condition: they couldn’t bring any furniture or stuff because we have no space. We only had a small spare room with minimal stuff in it. They reluctantly agreed.
But soon after they moved in, drama started. Their “small room” felt too cramped, especially compared to their old roomy house. Then, when my baby started crying at night, my brother got mad. He demanded that we give them the big bedroom instead — or even move my son or me out so they wouldn’t get disturbed. I refused. I felt like we had already done enough by letting them stay for free, helping with electricity, groceries, letting them crash in our house. My brother called me selfish and entitled. My mom and other siblings now think maybe I overreacted. I’m still seeing their cold shoulders and hearing snide comments. I’m torn — was I being the asshole for sticking to my boundaries?
The woman kindly offered to let her brother and SIL move into her home when they could no longer afford theirs
But instead of being grateful, they threw a fit over the size of the room they were given
Let’s be real: letting adult siblings and their spouse crash at your place — no rent, no real payment — is generous. But generosity doesn’t mean unlimited, unquestioned burden. What you offered: you opened your home. You provided shelter when they were in trouble. That’s kind. But that doesn’t mean you owe them the master bedroom, a perfect sleep environment, or zero disruption when you have a baby. Showing kindness doesn’t erase all boundaries — and it sure doesn’t mean you become a doormat.
Boundaries Are Healthy — Not “Mean”
When someone moves in, you set the ground rules: what works for you, what you can handle, what’s reasonable. That’s normal. In fact, experts say that setting boundaries — even with family — is key to reducing stress, avoiding resentment, and preserving relationships. Talkspace+1 You chose to keep things simple: no furniture, no clutter, no extra load. That was fair — you didn’t have the space or emotional capacity to handle a full household moving in.
Your brother agreed at first. That matters. When people accept help with conditions, they also accept the trade‑offs. Complaining later about “the room being small” is basically reneging — expecting more than was offered. It’s like someone renting a studio, complaining it’s not a mansion. If they agreed to the constraints, you don’t owe them a bigger room just because they miss their old house.
Co‑Living, Shared Space & Mental/Emotional Costs
Even under the best circumstances, sharing a home — especially when it’s not voluntary or planned — adds stress. Studies show living in crowded or cramped spaces correlates with higher risk of anxiety, depression, and overall mental health strain. arXiv+1 Add to that: a newborn, a baby monitor, weird sleep schedules — you already had a fragile balance. When someone else starts demanding sleep‑proof living arrangements for their comfort, that’s not concern — that’s entitlement.
Your brother’s request to move your baby or you, to suit their comfort, crosses a line. You’re protecting your child’s sleep, your household’s routine, your peace. That’s not “selfish.” That’s parental responsibility.
And yes — when you give someone shelter, you might expect some gratitude, or at least patience. His aggressive attitude, name‑calling (“annoying little shit”), demands — these reflect disrespect, not desperation. That doesn’t deserve kindness. It deserves boundaries.
Shared Living ≠ Equal Contribution ≠ Equal Privilege
One common tension in shared households: when some live rent‑free, others pay or work to maintain the home. In your case, you and your boyfriend own the home, pay for maintenance, arrange most of the cleaning, cooking — you keep the household running. They contribute only a fraction (electricity + some groceries). So yes — it changes the dynamic.
Articles on blended households or extended family living say: when one adult takes in another, it’s essential to clarify roles, expenses, personal space, and responsibilities. Today’s Transitions+1 In a sense, you offered them “room and board,” not a luxury suite. If they want a bigger room, bigger space, bigger comfort — they can rent another place.
That doesn’t make you harsh. It makes you realistic.
Emotional Labor, Parental Rights & Respect
Having a baby already flips life upside‑down: sleepless nights, diaper changes, feeding, cleaning. If your brother and his wife expected you to rearrange your baby’s crib or move rooms for their convenience, they were asking too much. It’s like asking someone to uproot their life because you can’t handle minor inconvenience.
And complaining about a crying baby? That’s entitled. Babies cry. Babies need care. You’re a parent. Your household, your rules, your child’s needs come first. Period.
You don’t owe your siblings a smooth vacation. You gave them shelter — that’s enough. If that’s not enough, the offer stands: you’ll help them find other housing.
When Family Help Backfires: Toxic Patterns & Hidden Resentment
Here’s the thing: when you help family but they keep complaining, dig at your boundaries, maybe even insult you — that creates tension that doesn’t just disappear. According to mental‑health experts, living with difficult or disrespectful family members long‑term can lead to constant stress, reduced well‑being, and fractured relationships. Headspace+1
Your sibling’s attitude — calling you selfish, complaining, passive‑aggressive behavior — that’s emotional labor on you. Because you’re pregnant (well, with a baby), stressed, doing the majority of household chores, parenting. That’s a lot. Asking for appreciation or respect isn’t too much. Accepting disrespect, discomfort, and chaos in the name of “helping family”? That’s where boundaries become self‑care.
It’s Not About “Rent” Only — It’s About Respect & Fairness
Some might say, “But it’s family, you should give them the big room.” Fair point — but only if you can afford it emotionally and physically. Sheltering someone doesn’t erase the imbalance of contribution. Owners vs. renters, parents vs. guests — these dynamics matter.
You didn’t ask your brother to pay rent. You did ask some contribution (electricity, groceries). That’s fair. But expecting equal comfort is not. Comfort comes at cost. And if they benefit from your generosity — they should also respect your space and boundaries.
When Saying No Protects More Than You Think
It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to be firm. As therapists advising on family boundaries note: “‘No’ is a complete sentence.” Being assertive with family doesn’t make you cruel. It makes you human. Talkspace+1
If your brother left or you decide to ask them to leave — you’re not being dramatic or unloving. You’re protecting your peace, your child’s welfare, and your home. Because home should be safe — not a battleground of entitlement and resentment.
Readers felt the couple’s behavior was completely unacceptable and believed they no longer deserved to stay
So… Are You the Asshole?
No. Not in my book. You offered shelter when they needed it, under clear conditions. You made it work. But when they started acting entitled — demanding the master room, complaining about a baby crying, insulting you — they crossed a line.
You’re allowed to protect your kid, your home, your sanity. You’re allowed to draw the line and say: “This is enough.”
If they respect you, they’ll appreciate what you gave them. If they don’t — maybe they don’t deserve to stay.
