Man Leaves His Five Kids and Their Mother to Prioritize Himself After Discovering Her Affairs
A man, who raised his ex-wife’s five kids for almost nine years, is now questioning whether he made the right call cutting off contact with them after discovering they’d been hiding secrets from him. Throughout their marriage and even after their split, he treated the kids as his own. But when he found out they’d been keeping things from him—especially about their biological father and their mom’s relationships—it hit him hard. This realization led him to cut ties, but now he’s left wondering if he was justified in his decision or if he overreacted.
Sometimes kids lie and teaching them not to is part of the parenting process, but you shouldn’t use them to lie for your own nefarious goals
The poster asked if he’s a jerk for cutting off 5 kids with a 6th on the way which were not his own, but had been parented by him for over 9 years
Let me start by saying this isn’t easy for me to talk about, but I’m looking for some perspective on whether I made the right choice or if I was too harsh. I’m 41, and I was married to my ex-wife, who’s 38, for about two years. Before that, we had a pretty complicated, on-and-off relationship for almost nine years. During that time, I helped raise her five kids, who were 22, 19, 17, 11, and 9 when we split. I stepped in as a father figure, especially since their biological fathers weren’t involved. I treated them like my own, and we had a pretty solid relationship.
Even after the divorce, my ex and I still spent time together, trying to figure things out. During that time, she dated other guys, and the kids would often be around. I worked out of state for my job, so when I had time off, I’d spend it with them, keeping in touch with both my ex and the kids. But, as you might guess, there was a lot more happening behind the scenes that I didn’t know about.
The whole situation came crashing down when I found out, completely by accident, that the biological father of three of my ex’s kids had just gotten out of jail and was spending time with her and the kids while I wasn’t around. I wasn’t supposed to find out, but eventually, the truth came out. Apparently, they’d all been hiding this from me for a while, including covering for my ex’s behavior during our time together. I had always believed I was the one supporting them—paying bills, taking care of things at home, being the father figure. But when I found out the truth, it hit me hard.
What I learned was that every time I came home, the kids would hide whatever man my ex was seeing at the time, and they’d tell the younger ones not to say anything to me. This wasn’t just a one-time thing either—it was a pattern. The whole time I thought I was part of this family, I was kept in the dark about so much. I thought I was loved and appreciated for being there for them, but I felt like I was just an ATM. It made me feel used, and in that moment, I realized that no one in this family ever really cared about me. They just wanted what I could give them, financially and emotionally.
So, I decided enough was enough. I cut off all contact with my ex-wife and her kids. I couldn’t keep putting my mental and emotional health at risk for people who clearly didn’t respect me or value what I had done for them. I stopped paying bills, helping with anything, and told myself that I needed to take care of myself before I let these people keep walking all over me. I felt betrayed and hurt by all of them. I had done so much for them, but when it came down to it, it seemed like they’d rather protect their mom’s secrets than be honest with me. That’s when I knew I had to walk away.
Now, though, I’m starting to question if I did the right thing. People have told me it’s just typical for men to be emotionally distant or that I’m overreacting. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like I was justified. I had invested so much time and effort into this family, and in return, I was lied to and kept in the dark about things that affected me directly. So, I’m torn—was I right to cut them off, or did I go too far?
I just feel like, after everything I did for them, I deserve more respect than that. Maybe it was a reaction to my hurt feelings and the realization that I’d been treated like a fool for so long. Maybe it was the betrayal that I couldn’t get past. I’m not saying I expect a medal for raising them, but I thought I was an important part of their lives. Now, I’m left questioning if any of that was true, or if I was just a convenience for them.
It’s hard because, on the one hand, I was a father figure to these kids for almost a decade. I helped raise them, and I loved them. But on the other hand, I feel like they all played me. They could’ve come clean and told me the truth, but they chose to hide things from me. And the fact that they lied to my face for so long hurts. I don’t think I’m wrong for wanting to protect myself and walking away, but I’m still struggling with the guilt of cutting them off.
It’s tough because I still care about them, even though I’m angry and hurt. I wonder if one day I’ll be able to reconcile with them or if this is a permanent decision. I’m just not sure if I’ve made the right call yet. So, I’m reaching out to see if anyone else has gone through something similar. Should I have cut off contact with all of them, or was there another way I should have handled it?
The comments praised the poster for his success on getting out of that horrible red flag of a situation
