BIL Tries To Push Grandma’s Care Onto Wife’s Family Sister Branded “Selfish” For Saying No

I (20‑something M) live with my dad, older brother, sister, little sister, and our grandmother. My older sister’s husband (BIL) moved in 7 months ago. My brother and I have been caring for grandma: she’s healthy enough for a 60‑year‑old woman, but couldn’t keep up with her house so she moved in with us. Between my brother (who works from home) and me (taking online classes) we take care of her and ensure she’s OK.

Lately my BIL has been talking about his grandmother needing a place to stay. He commented that our grandma has better meals here whereas his doesn’t. My sister offered to have his grandmother live here and share a room with ours—but without asking my brother and me if we would take care of her. I told both of them no, I would not take care of her. My brother backed me, dad backed us. I told him: she needs meds at specific times, a strict diet, needs bathing and changing — we’re not set up for that.

A few days later, BIL brought his grandmother over with a duffel bag and blankets and said she’d been kicked out and would only stay a few days. I told him he’d need to take those days off work because I would not be the one caring for her. Then my sister came to me and asked: “Could you watch her a few days as a trial run?” I told both my BIL and sister: if he left her with me I’d call Adult Protective Services, because I will not take care of her. My sister called me an asshole and said she had no other family to go to and her husband doesn’t want to put her “somewhere else.”

So — am I the asshole for refusing and threatening to call APS?

Picture living your normal life, keeping your household running smoothly, and suddenly, someone decides it’s a great idea to temporarily move in a new family member

The author and her brother take care of their grandmother, who moved in with the rest of the family because she can no longer manage her own house

Let’s dig in on some key topics: elder care responsibilities, family boundary‑setting, what caring for an older adult involves, why saying “no” is OK, and when APS may enter the picture. I’ll weave in some high‑CPC keywords (elder care, adult protective services, family caregiving, caregiver burden, elder neglect) because they’re relevant.

Understanding elder care and caregiver burden

Caring for an elderly family member can be a big responsibility. “Elder care” often involves helping with meals, medications, bathing, supervision, and possibly mobility assistance. It’s more than just “living with someone”. The term “caregiver burden” describes how the person helping can feel emotionally, physically, financially drained when the demands are high.

In your case, you and your brother are already providing care to your grandmother: monitoring her day‑to‑day, ensuring she’s content, helping where needed. From your description, your BIL’s grandmother is going to require medications at specific times, and bathing and changing (which implies she may not be fully independent). That raises the level of responsibility from “hosting another older adult” to “primary caregiving”. That is legitimate to be wary of.

Family obligation vs realistic capacity

In many cultures, family members expect to help elderly relatives. There’s often a moral or emotional pressure to say “yes” when someone asks “Can your grandma stay with you?” But realistically, you need to look at what your capacity is:

• Do you have time to administer meds and baths and care?
• Are you trained or comfortable doing so?
• Is your living situation suited (space, energy, schedule)?
• Are you and your brother willing and able to add another person needing considerable care?

You answered those: you don’t feel you can take on the extra care. That’s fine. It’s your life and time too. Recognising your limits is not a moral failing.

Boundaries and clear communication

Boundaries are key. You told your sister and BIL you will not take care of his grandmother. That is a clear boundary. You also gave your reasons: meds, diet, bathing, changing. Good.

What happened: they assumed (without asking) that you would take care of her. That’s a mismatch of expectations. It’s crucial that when someone asks “can we stay with you and you will help care for them?” all parties agree and the responsibilities are clear. Here you did not agree to take on that role.

Family dynamics often make it sticky: your sister perhaps felt she had no one else and her husband didn’t want to “put her somewhere else”. That’s understandable, but it doesn’t override your right to say no.

When does involvement of Adult Protective Services become relevant?

You threatened to call Adult Protective Services (APS) if BIL left his grandmother with you and you ended up having to care for her unwillingly. Let’s unpack that:

APS is a service/program that investigates potential abuse, neglect, or exploitation of older adults or vulnerable adults who cannot protect themselves. eldermistreatment.usc.edu+1 They intervene when someone’s basic care, safety, or rights are being compromised. For example: lack of medications, unsanitary living conditions, inability to meet basic needs. California Department of Social Services+2FindLaw+2

So: simply bringing someone into your home doesn’t automatically trigger APS involvement. For APS to be relevant, there must be neglect (caregiver failing to provide required help) or abuse or exploitation or inability of the older adult to care for themselves. If you’re not willing to provide the care, the risk is that you might become the unintentional neglectful caregiver if you’re stuck with the responsibility but can’t keep up. You proactively saying “I won’t take this responsibility” is actually preventative in that sense.

In other words: your stance is “I will not accept this role and I’m signalling that if I am forced into it (without resources/training), the grandmother’s welfare may be in jeopardy and thus I’ll call APS.” That’s not an “idle threat” — it’s acknowledging your limits and protecting her welfare.

Am I the asshole?

Given all that: I lean No, you’re not the asshole. Here’s why:

• You clearly communicated you would not take on the additional caregiver role.
• You and your brother are already providing care for your grandmother; you’re not avoiding caring for elders altogether—just refusing to add a heavier responsibility.
• You assessed the level of care required (meds, baths, changing) and recognised you were unwilling/unable to properly provide it.
• You set a boundary so you don’t end up failing at that role (which would be bad for you and possibly bad for the grandmother’s welfare).
• Your sister and BIL may feel stuck—but that doesn’t override your right to protect your own capacity and mental health.

The emotional layer & suggestions

However, I’d add some nuance because family feelings are involved. Your sister is saying “we have no other family” or “he doesn’t want to put her somewhere else.” That’s a tough place. There are some steps you could consider to help while still maintaining your boundary:

• Offer to help research alternative elder care options (e.g., home health care services, assisted living, adult day-care, in‑home caregiver). That way you’re supporting her without becoming the full time caregiver.
• Suggest cost‑sharing: ask your BIL/sister to contribute to hiring a caregiver or service rather than expecting you or your brother to provide all hands‑on care.
• Clarify with your family: “I can help in X way (meals once a week, getting groceries, check‑ins) but cannot commit to meds/diet/bathing care.” That way you help but don’t over‑extend.
• Encourage your BIL and sister to engage with local elder‑care resources. In many places you can find subsidised or low‑cost home‑care for older adults.

These steps can reduce conflict and show you’re not refusing out of cruelty—but out of practical capacity.

What your sister and BIL might consider

From their side: they need to recognise that hosting an older adult with high‑care needs inside someone else’s home is a big ask. They might need to plan financially and logistically for it:

• Assess the competence and willingness of the host (you/brother) to provide full care.
• Explore hiring a caregiver or day‑care service.
• Share costs or rotating responsibilities.
• Be transparent about expectations (who does what, when, backups).
• Understand that placing grandma “just for a few days” doesn’t make it easy—you are still committing to a plan.

Netizens focused on the entitlement and manipulation displayed by the author’s brother-in-law, criticizing him for assuming she would automatically take responsibility

In short: You set a healthy boundary. You looked at your capacity honestly. You communicated clearly. You did not volunteer to take a role you cannot commit to. That’s responsible. So you’re not the asshole. You might empower the situation by helping your sister/BIL find alternate solutions—but you aren’t obligated to pick up full caregiver duties just because of family pressure.