WIBTA If I Refused to Shave My Armpits for My Friend’s Wedding?
You stopped shaving your armpits a few years ago. For you it’s not a political statement — it’s practical: you sweat a lot, shaving gives you razor burn and rashes, the hair helps prevent irritation, keeps you more comfortable. To you, not shaving is no big deal — just a personal grooming preference.
Now your friends are having a destination wedding next summer. Since it’s in summer and possibly includes swimsuits or sleeveless outfits, that means your armpit hair might show. You asked about dress code; they said nothing strict but requested everyone be “well groomed.” When you reminded them they’ve known you don’t shave, they admitted they assumed you’d shave for “special events.” They warned some guests might feel uncomfortable with visible armpit hair — and implied by not shaving you might be making a statement or “drawing attention.” You offered to trim a bit, but they said it’d still be “distracting.” They haven’t formally banned you, but strongly pressured you.
You’re planning to go and not shave — but wonder: would you be the asshole for doing so?
A woman’s armpit hair became a point of debate over her attending her friends’ wedding
The couple asked her to remove it, since it would distract other guests, but she just didn’t feel comfortable
Armpit Hair: Natural, Functional, and Normal
Armpit hair is part of the natural human body. Biologically, underarm hair serves functions — it reduces friction, which can help during movement like walking or exercising, and helps with humidity and sweat evaporation, which can reduce skin irritations. Healthline+1
Shaving armpits isn’t inherently “hygiene.” Hair itself doesn’t equal uncleanliness — regular washing and deodorant are what matter. Medium+1
Also, many women choose not to shave — sometimes because of discomfort, skin sensitivity, or simply personal preference. Studies show that a growing minority of young women are opting out of underarm shaving. Stylist+1
So your decision is valid: it’s a personal, body‑neutral (or body‑positive) choice. The concept of Body Neutrality argues that people should judge their bodies less on looks and more on function — which fits exactly what you’re doing. Wikipedia+1
🤔 Why Many Still Expect Women to Shave — Social Pressure & Beauty Norms
Even though natural armpit hair is normal and common, social norms in many societies still expect women to be hair‑free from neck down — especially underarms, legs, bikini area. ResearchGate+2Wikipedia+2
These norms come from decades of cultural conditioning, media influence, advertising, and gendered beauty standards — which often link smooth, hairless skin with femininity, attractiveness, and cleanliness. Brandeis University+2Feminism in India+2
Indeed, surveys show a majority of people in some countries find female underarm hair unattractive. YouGov+1
So when your friends say they expect “well‑groomed” appearance, they may really mean “hair‑free,” unconsciously or not. It ties into deeply embedded expectations — even if more people are pushing back today.
That’s why your choice can clash with their expectations. They may see visible armpit hair not as neutral, but as a refusal to conform to the norms they accept — which to them feels distracting or even rude.
🫂 Weddings, Social Settings and Shared Expectations — Where Tension Rises
A wedding is a big, shared social ritual. People often expect a sort of collective uniformity: certain dress codes, grooming standards, and decorum to keep the focus on the couple and the celebration, not individual statements.
As your friends presumably see it, a visibly unshaven woman at a wedding — especially in swimsuits or sleeveless outfits — may feel like breaking that unspoken “everyone blends in” vibe. They worry some guests might be shocked or uncomfortable.
From their view, asking you to shave (or at least trim) might seem like a reasonable request to preserve a certain atmosphere. They may feel you’re being selfish or making it about you.
But that assumes you think about it that way — assuming your intent is statement-making. According to how you describe things, you aren’t doing this to protest norms or provoke people — just choosing comfort and self‑acceptance.
So there’s a real clash between:
- your personal autonomy, bodily comfort, and identity, and
- their social expectations for a shared event.
That tension is at the core of why people in situations like this ask themselves “would I be the asshole if I just… didn’t conform?”
💡 When Personal Autonomy Should Outweigh Social Pressure
Here’s why refusing to shave for the wedding could still be entirely justified:
- It’s a personal grooming choice, not a statement. As you say — this isn’t about politics or making a point. You’ve been unshaven for years. Being asked to shave now assumes you were hiding something, which feels unfair and invasive.
- Health, comfort, skin sensitivity matter. If shaving gives you razor burn, rashes, and discomfort — especially in summer or while travelling — demanding you shave is basically asking you to sacrifice comfort and health for appearances. Not cool.
- Social norms are changing. More people — especially younger generations — are rejecting conventional grooming standards. The idea that women have to shave is becoming less rigid. British Vogue+1
- Your presence doesn’t harm others. If you shower, use deodorant, stay hygienic — there’s little objective reason your armpit hair “disrupts” the event. And a wedding is supposed to celebrate love and inclusion — why police someone’s body hair?
So from a values standpoint — autonomy, respect for bodies, rejecting harmful beauty standards — your decision seems legitimate and defensible.
🏁 My Verdict: You Wouldn’t Be the Asshole — but It’s a Gray Area
No — I don’t think you’d be the asshole. You’re not being intentionally provocative. You don’t demand attention. You’re not disrespecting the couple or acting out. You’re simply being yourself — and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that.
But, I get why some might call you inconsiderate — because social expectations around weddings and grooming are still real for many people. There’s a chance of making some guests feel awkward or uncomfortable.
If you do decide to go without shaving, be prepared: you might get stares or whispers. It’s not guaranteed, but possible. And you might end up in a quiet conflict: your personal boundaries vs their social comfort zone.
In the end: your comfort and personal autonomy matter more than arbitrary norms. If you show up clean, respectful, and confident — you deserve to be there just as much as anyone else.
Commenters offered the woman mixed reactions: some praised her for standing her ground
🤔 What You Could Do to Ease Tension (Without Sacrificing Yourself)
- Consider having a private, honest conversation with the couple: reaffirm that you’re attending to celebrate them, not to challenge norms — and you’d appreciate acceptance.
- Offer to ensure hygiene: maybe use a stronger deodorant, wear clothes that make you feel comfortable and respectful of the setting.
- Be ready for questions or comments with a calm, casual response. You don’t owe anyone over‑explaining — just “this is how I feel comfortable.”
- If tensions rise, remind them: true friendship (and wedding guests!) accept people as they are — not when they fit an arbitrary ideal.
