I commented anonymously on a post about my boyfriend now things are weird. What should I do?
You (28F) discovered a post on a “are we dating the same guy?”‑type page about your boyfriend (29M). You’ve been with him five years. The post had comments from women claiming they’d texted or met him. Thinking you needed to know what was going on, you anonymously asked if anyone had hooked up with him recently. One girl responded, implied yes, and said he told her the same thing he told you: no hooking up, only you. Then the replies got deleted, you suspect your boyfriend got wind of things, and now he’s furious, silent, giving dirty looks—with no conversation. And you’re stuck: same lease, same apartment, big relationship.
You’re asking: Should you confront him? Wait and see if he talks? What are your next steps?
It’s important for both partners to be honest with each other, or else one person might end up getting hurt
The poster shared that she came across an “Are we dating the same guy?” post about her boyfriend, and multiple women shared that they had gone out with him
Okay this is messy but you’re not alone in this kind of relational chaos. The good news is you don’t have to figure it all out instantly—but some clear next steps will help. I’ll walk through what you’re facing, what research says, and how you might proceed.
What you’re dealing with: trust, secrecy, social‑media, and relationship contracts
First: you found something that triggered suspicion. Research shows that when a partner’s behaviour seems off (secret texting, deleted comments, women saying things) it can be a red flag. Prevention+2Verywell Mind+2 You didn’t have full proof—but you felt uneasy enough to act. And that’s valid.
Second: you commented anonymously. You may feel embarrassed, unsure—but you took action because you felt you needed to know. That’s also understandable. But that action may have triggered a defensive reaction from your boyfriend. And when someone gets defensive instead of open, it often indicates deeper issues. upstreamcounselling.com+1
Third: you guys share a lease and a life. That complicates things. It means you’re financially and logistically tied to each other—which raises the stakes for how you proceed.
What research & experts suggest when trust is broken or suspected
There are several relevant themes here:
1. Recognising signs of betrayal or potential infidelity.
According to therapists, signs can include increased secrecy, defensive behaviour, avoidance of questions, deleted messages/comments, changes in pattern. Prevention+1 You noted many of those: deleted comments, adverse reaction when you raised questions, avoidance of direct talk.
2. Confrontation vs. conversation.
Experts say when you think something is wrong you don’t have to accuse aggressively—but you do need to communicate. “Make a plan… find a calm moment… express your feelings calmly.” upstreamcounselling.com+1 Your boyfriend’s current response — silent anger — is a danger sign because it stops the communication.
3. Trust and how it works after a suspicion.
If trust is broken, rebuilding requires both sides. According to therapeutic sources, it’s not only about them proving they’re trustworthy, but about you deciding what you need, and whether you’re willing to stay if things don’t change. Mindfully Minding Me Therapy+1 Also, if you keep spying/commenting anonymously, that can worsen trust issues. ryananswers.com
4. Your role, your feelings matter.
Even if your partner hasn’t “officially” cheated or admitted anything, your feelings of uncertainty, betrayal, confusion are valid. Research says: ignoring your emotional reaction won’t make the trust issues go away. You’ve got to deal with it. wondermind.com+1
What you should do (and what you shouldn’t)
Here’s a kind of roadmap for your next steps—and what to steer clear of.
What to do:
- Pick a moment: Choose a calm time where you both are not rushed. Say: “There’s something I found and I feel uncomfortable. Can we talk about it?”
- Stick to “I” statements: Use phrases like “I felt hurt/uncertain when I saw that post… I need to understand what’s going on.” Avoid “You did this!!” because that puts him in a defensive corner. Research supports this approach. SELF
- Ask for clarity: You don’t need to accuse, but you can ask for transparency: “Can you help me understand your side of the story?”
- Set your boundaries and needs: e.g., “It matters to me that you’re honest and that we share what’s going on. If something changed in your behaviour, I want to know.”
- Decide what you’ll accept: If he becomes defensive, refuses to talk, or shifts blame onto you for discovering things, that’s a red flag. You might decide: either we do this honestly—or I’ll reconsider how safe I feel in this relationship.
- Consider your living situation: Since you share a lease, you’ll want to think through logistics. If you decide you can’t continue, start looking at your options: talk to the landlord, check notice periods, etc.
- Take care of yourself: Your anxiety, your sleep, your sense of self-worth matter. Research shows after suspected betrayal you can feel lonely, confused, second‐guessing yourself. Women’s Health Australia
What not to do:
- Don’t ignore your feelings and pretend everything’s fine. That’s just creating a festering wound.
- Don’t keep digging anonymously or spying. That may give you more info, but it also undermines trust and your self‐respect.
- Don’t let conversations drift into blame games or yelling without resolution. The concept of “fair fighting” emphasises structured, respectful discussions rather than attacking. Wikipedia
- Don’t stay stuck in limbo forever—either you’ll talk and get clarity, or you’ll decide you can’t continue in uncertainty.
Where this could go and what you decide
Given everything, you’re at a fork: either you confront, seek truth, and either rebuild or end; or you keep waiting, hoping he’ll reveal everything—but risk staying in a limbo that erodes you.
If he opens up, acknowledges any mistakes or misunderstandings, shows willingness to repair, and you still want the relationship—it can work. But “repair” means more than words: transparency, changed behaviour, willingness to rebuild trust. Verywell Mind+1
If he shuts down, blames you, avoids talking, or essentially punishes you for uncovering things—then you have to ask: “Do I want to stay where I’m not respected or safe?”
You also must think about your future: 5 years is big. Sharing a lease is big. You’re entwined in each other’s lives. That makes this mid‐conversation even more important. What kind of partner do you want? What kind of relationship do you deserve?
People were shocked by the audacity of the boyfriend and felt that the poster needed to end things with him immediately
You’re not overreacting. You did something out of concern, not malice. The fact that you even recognised you needed info means you care about this relationship. But care alone isn’t enough to keep things healthy. You’re owed honesty, respect, and clarity.
So yes—have the talk. If he refuses or reacts like he’s mad at you for discovering something rather than addressing what might be wrong, that tells you a lot. Use this moment to decide what you will accept and what you won’t.
